Note: I wrote this before the coronavirus pandemic, and it feels like this is almost even more important to share now than it was a couple weeks ago when I wrote it. I hope it serves you. xo, Jen
Here’s a secret: I’m not perfect.
For over a year, I’ve been dealing with some personal challenges that got more intense since the summer, and it has been a test to how well I can stick to my own recommendations for people when they are under stress. This was easily the most intense stress of my entire life, and it brought up an array of feelings: fear, sadness, anger, confusion, depression, frustration…you name it. I wish I could say that I made it through unscathed, that I held strong to all of my practices that help me feel my best, but I didn’t. When life throws you a curve ball, sometimes it smacks you right in the face before you can dodge or jump out of the way.
Over the past few months, I gained a few pounds by dampening and numbing myself with comfort foods and drinks (hello venti Starbucks chai latte with soy milk!). I retreated from practices that brought me joy or helped me feel my best, like the Start Today Journal practices of writing down gratitude and goals (shout out to Rachel Hollis and the Hollis Co for the amazing practice; check out the RISE podcast episode 72 if you want to learn the practice for yourself), doing daily meditation or yoga, and exercise. I, in essence, wallowed in my own fear and concerns mostly.
See, this stress was the kind of intensity you only feel when your basic needs are threatened. The stress you feel when you have a sucky job that overall is fine but it just doesn’t bring you joy, or when your house is a bit of a mess because the kids never clean up after themselves, or when you have a long commute certainly affects your life, but is of a much lower level than concerns like, will I have to sell the house, can I get a job, will my kids be able to go to the same school, will I be able to keep working, why does everything feel wrong, or will this pain last for the rest of my life. I’m not saying low level stress can’t kill us, especially cumulatively; what I am saying is that when our survival feels threatened, the stress is unlike anything else.
While I won’t go into details about my own personal concerns, the stress took a serious toll on me. I wish I had all the answers for those of you going through these kinds of things. What I learned is that it’s one day at a time, and often, one moment at a time. It’s about forgiving yourself, and finding small moments of joy. For example, one day, I walked to Starbucks to get my venti soy chai, and the employee made a tall soy chai. Instead of trashing it as per their normal practice since it was not exactly what I ordered, they offered it to me in addition to my venti size. My first thought was yay, bonus drink, thanks God! and about how I could drink it later in the day. While it was nice to feel abundant in that moment, as I walked across the street, I saw a homeless man, lying in the doorway of a building. I knew I had to give that man the extra drink. I hope he enjoyed it and it kept him warm on that chilly day. Doing that act of kindness helped me feel a little better too, on a day when I was feeling intense stress. On another day, I gifted a homeless man a coffee, and heard about how he was off of drugs and trying to take care of himself. I don’t say these things to toot my own horn, but rather to show how these two acts helped me feel a little better on days when I wasn’t feeling all that great emotionally.
I tend to respond to stress by shutting down. Change is a constant in this life, and we need to fail or be challenged in order to grow. It is my hope that by going through these struggles that even if I “fail” in how I respond to stress, that I grow stronger each time. The next time I have some sort of challenge, I hope to lean on my practices better and not put myself in a sugar coma. I’ve been able to throw off the covers from when I fell asleep, and now I’m digging myself out of a hole, even though my challenges are not over. The pain of staying stuck was too much to bear. Each time we are greatly challenged, we may come out a little raw and exposed. It may feel vulnerable and scary. We have to choose to rise again. To get up when we are knocked down, and to meet the next challenge. Because there will be another challenge.
I’ve been lucky that the spring energy is rising, and naturally this is my best time of year. So thank you, spring. That alone helped me to get some momentum and want to shed my “winter coat.” I had some fortunate positive events in the last couple weeks that have helped me to restore hope in a situation that was pretty dire. I recognized the rising energy, and implemented things to help me ride the wave. That is what is key; recognizing when the wave of positive emotion and energy is rising, and that it’s time to start paddling. If we are adrift in the sea, with no waves or way to get to shore, like it feels when you are depressed or in despair, when you see that wave building, you have to start paddling…use your hands, a cup, whatever you have. It may not be the wave that gets you to shore, but it gets you closer.
For me, eating well is key to how positive and on path I feel. Nothing, short of acupuncture treatment, has a bigger effect on my mental health. So when I felt the spring energy rising, and got these positive leads, I prioritized watching my favorite vegan food bloggers’ videos (shout out to Pick Up Limes, Rachel Ama, Rainbow Plant Life, and Sweet Potato Soul!!). Why? Because I know watching vegan cooking videos always inspires me to cook, and to eat healthy foods. So the effect of that was me getting in the kitchen more, and cooking healthy food. I personally am not a vegan, but I feel my best when I mostly eat vegan, with fish and sometimes meat peppered in. So as I’ve been eating the healthy food I’ve prepared, I’ve lost weight, I’m cooking with my kids, which brings me joy, my mental fog is lifting, I’m inspired to create recipes and photograph them (ok, just with my cell phone for now, but that’s a start to getting back to using my fancier camera- baby steps!!), I’ve started journaling and meditating every day, I’m packing my food for the workday so I don’t eat takeout, and I feel so much better overall.
I don’t know how far this wave will take me. I have to ride it anyway, because to not ride it is certain death- minimally metaphorical, and quite possibly literal. It is crystal-clear to me that I incarnated in this lifetime to make a positive impact on humanity. I am grateful for these extreme challenges because they helped me to understand what others going through similar challenges must feel. I may never know what it is like to be homeless, to have no family support, to have severe mental illness, to go years without a job, or to suffer from an array of other things, but I do now know what it is like to survive intense stress. I now can take these challenges and feelings and teach others and connect with others around their similar struggles. I know what intense fear feels like in my body, mind, and spirit. I know the havoc doubt can wreak. I feel in some ways, like I know better about what it’s like to be human. I’ve connected to my humanness in a way that perhaps only suffering can bring.
In the next article, I share about suffering, how to avoid allowing it to take you “down the rabbit hole,” and how to instead emerge stronger from life’s challenges.
xo,
Jen
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