My name is Jen Yocum, I’m 33 years old, and I’m addicted to creating expectations for myself and others. This morning I found myself in a nostalgic and saddened state on a crisp fall morning where the light has that silvery quality that only happens this time of the year. In Chinese Medicine, of which I am a practitioner via acupuncture and nutritional counseling, the fall is a time of letting go. I find myself not wanting to let go, however. In fact, thanks to my fear of failure, and ultimately my fear of being judged and thought less than due to my expectations for myself, I am fighting against letting go with everything I’ve got. But what do you do when you feel like the “thing” you have to let go of is your destiny, your passion, your goal in life?
Here’s the thing: letting go of your expectations of yourself and others does not mean letting go of the dream or the goal you have. To illustrate my point, I’ll tell you my intricate expectations for myself. I left my position at a prestigious university at the end of July with 2 months’ salary saved up, having run numbers and made a plan for how many patients I would need to see per week, or how many cleanses I would have to sell, and while I was scared, I figured the time was right for me to jump ship and just go for it. Long story short, while I’ve done a lot of advertising, a lot of self-exploration and meditation, and a lot of getting myself in great shape, I awoke on this morning knowing that in 3 weeks the money will be gone, and I am not yet at those magical numbers that I predicted.
Rather than wallow in self-pity all day (not really my style), or spend all day psychotically looking through job listings (more my style), to me it is a reminder that in all things, I must “let go, and let God” (or Universe if you prefer). This is ultimately the most terrifying thing we ever have to do in our lives; trust that everything happens for a reason, and that it all must happen on the divine’s or a universal timeline, and not our own. We somehow feel we have the right to control our destiny, when really it’s kind of crazy to think we have any control at all.
I recently listened to Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford commencement address, since that went viral following his death, and in it he spoke of “connecting the dots,” where the dots represented choices or learnings, which when connected in hindsight create an end product or lead you to your goal, dream, or purpose. He mentioned how you cannot connect the dots by looking into the future, rather you can connect them only by looking at the past. He was speaking to trusting your gut instinct, and choosing things based on what excites you…then trusting that all the dots will connect into something substantial in the future. In other words, everything happens for a reason, all we have to do is trust that the reason will become clear in the future.
I think of how it took Steve 10 years to create the first Apple computer. Was it ridiculous for me to expect that in 3 months I’d be able to manifest everything that I wanted for myself? Maybe, maybe not. Will I be ok if it takes me another 10 years to manifest the life I dream for myself and my family? Could I be so selfish and ridiculous to say no? When you are pursuing what you really love, is there a timeline that is too long for that to manifest, or anything that you wouldn’t do (within moral guidelines) to make it happen?
Am I a failure if in 3 weeks’ time, I have not manifested the goals I set for myself? No. Do I need to let go of my restrictive expectations for myself? Yes. I can still have goals and create timelines, and at the end of the day, if I can say that I’ve done my best, then I can never be a failure. I can honestly say that in the last 2.5 months that I don’t think there is much else that I could have done to make the outcome any different than it has been. I did my best. I will continue to do my best. I will act from my heart and my intuition. I will create the dots and trust that they will connect in the timeline that the universe has in place for it. I will dream big, and trust even bigger.
Creating expectations only leads to disappointment. Accepting life, as is, in this moment, right now, is the only thing that we can do. We can still have goals, and we must actively work toward these goals by making choices and being unattached to the outcome. We must make the best choices that we can at the time that they are given to us, and accept the result.
My name is Jen Yocum, I am 33 years old, and I am letting go of the idea that I can force the universe to do something on my timeline. I am not letting go of my dreams, nor my goals. I will use the strengths and abilities and intellect that I have been given to keep fighting. I will never give up.
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