I’ve been taking a break for the last couple weeks, not posting any blogs or recipes, and taking time to do things around the house. But to be honest, until late on January 1st, I’d also been avoiding doing any kind of deep reflection on the past year, or thinking about what I wanted 2019 to bring. Looking back at 2018 was not easy. I started writing this blog on January 2nd, only to stop because it started getting a little darker than I would have liked, and I want to make sure that I pass along information that is helpful. So I let another week go by.
Last year was tough in many ways. It was the year that things fell apart and my heart got broken. Where things started to really shift and change in palpable ways at my full-time work- ways that have left the people there scarred and bruised, and not necessarily stronger. It was a year where I had to re-examine what dreams and paths were meant for me and what they would look like. It’s been a long year. It’s felt like two years in one to me. There were joyful moments and serendipitous ones, AND it was a really tiring and trying year.
I’ve had amazing moments of pushing through and birthing projects. I’ve had exciting conversations that will hopefully lead to incredible future opportunities. I traveled and met awesome people and I’ve settled in more at home and in my space. I feel clear on my direction, and even much of what 2019 has in store for me. I love my family. I’m looking forward to more travel soon and later this year. I keep telling myself to focus on these things…and yet, I feel like this year has brought me more failure and disappointment than I’ve had in a long time…and I’ve had to take time to do my best to reconcile that.
In reality, there is nothing other than perfect timing and perfect paths, and so there is no *real* failure. It doesn’t matter what people think of me if I am on path and on purpose. However, my ego, driven by fear as it is, had other thoughts on the matter. If I’m being truly honest, I let myself start to wonder if some of the ego talk was true as I transitioned into the new year. I let myself doubt whether or not I was capable of bringing God’s plans and my dreams to fruition. I let myself wonder if I would lack follow through, or if I would live some kind of life of mediocrity. I wish I hadn’t caved for those moments, as brief as they were, but I did.
Like all difficult moments in life, I look at them as teachers. What did I learn from having gone through this experience? What can I teach others to help them create more ease in their lives? It was clear to me that it wouldn’t serve my audience to pretend like I didn’t have some dark moments in the last couple weeks; rather, I needed to be open about it, and to speak honestly. I needed to share what has helped me move out of a state of doubt and self-degradation, and into a state of possibilities and effective action.
So how do we help ourselves when life seems to dig the knife in a little further, or when things get tough? The old stories and wounds many of us have from childhood or as a young adult are tried and true practices for many of us. In moments of challenge, our wounds, fueled by the ego, are quick to offer up negative thoughts. For example, if you have always felt like an outsider, because you were teased when you were younger, now, when your friend doesn’t call you or text you for weeks, you may feel those old thoughts creeping in: “she doesn’t really value this relationship,” or “why can’t I ever have good girl friends?” or “I always put more energy into this friendship than she does.” You start to create division or separation because it feels easier to slip into the pattern you know- the one of hurt, dejection, and putting yourself as less than. The record of playing the victim has come back into your life in grayer shades, a comfortable tune. Meanwhile your friend could be so overwhelmed with her schedule that she’s just *dying* for time with you. So the first step of helping yourself to get out of a negative thought pattern is to recognize that you’re in it. When a negative thought pops into your head, such as “she doesn’t care about me,” then stop, and just wonder “what if” the opposite of that is true. So replace “she doesn’t care about me” with “she obviously cares about me; maybe she is just really busy. I should reach out to her.” (As an aside, this is not an excuse to keep relationships that are depleting and not reciprocal going; if you have reached out many times, trying to connect with that person and they keep blowing you off or not responding and you know they are getting your messages, then it’s time to move on and direct your energies elsewhere.)
The more you practice stopping the negative thoughts, the quicker you will notice when you’re doing it, and you’ll be able to stop yourself sooner. I promise. It does take a while to get really good at this, speaking as someone who has been there. But it’s so worth it once you get in the practice. You recognize the B.S. of your own ego and don’t give any real credence to it. Not letting that stuff really get in to your inner being is key.
So what if you realize it’s your ego talking and you’ve stopped it some but it just seems to play on repeat, or you can’t really get out of the funk? For me, that’s when I bring in the outside help: acupuncture. Acupuncture helps to balance your energy- body, mind, and spirit. When I’m out of whack, I turn to my acupuncturist to help me get back on track so I can show up for the world in the best way possible. There are other types of energy work that could also be beneficial for you, such as reiki, Healing Touch, chakra clearing, and much more. My true love is acupuncture, so if you’ve never tried it, I’d highly recommend it. It is able to directly affect the energy through needles in a way that I feel is hard to replicate with any other modality. If needles aren’t your thing, then try counseling/therapy. Talking to someone about what you’re going through and roots of your behavior can be incredibly helpful, and your therapist can coach you through the tough times, giving you perspective and helping you to consider new possibilities. Getting help and support doesn’t mean you’re weak; it means that you’re committed to truly thriving in this life. You deserve to function at your best, and so you need to get professional support. No one can do this alone- I promise, not even monks or hermits meditating most of the day have perfect energy flow (in fact, sitting or meditating that long could cause multiple imbalances). So stop trying to do it all yourself; find a practitioner near you and see what shifts are possible.
A third tip, while related to the above, is to talk to someone- preferably a trusted friend or mentor- about what is going through your head. They are a great mirror to reflect back to you that your thoughts are straight up bananas. I was talking to a friend yesterday about some of my thoughts and she was absolutely floored that I was even giving half a second’s attention to any of the thoughts my ego was putting in my head. Her reaction was just complete and utter disbelief, and really even a tinge of anger that I’d even think that way, wondering if I was serious. That reaction was confirmation to me of just how far off-base my ego-driven thoughts were; because she is one of my closest friends, I was able to believe her and give less power to my ego. When I aligned with the energy of love, rather than fear, I was then able to also give more love. My business mentor’s birthday was yesterday, and after chatting with my friend and getting some acupuncture, I was in a space of more joy and possibility, and wrote a love note to my mentor on our Facebook page, spreading joy to all of us who study together in the group, in celebration of her birthday. I knew we were all going to OWN this year. My mentor wrote back saying just how much I was going to OWN this year…and I really believed it. I could feel the excitement and energy behind her post. My love fest had led her to get fired up and give love back. Tending myself by connecting with friends and getting acupuncture allowed me to be in a more giving and receptive space. And the love flowed. Rather than being shut down, I allowed for opening and for energetic flow. It doesn’t mean I’m not scared from time to time…but it does mean that when I choose love, and when I choose intentional connection, I notice that life has more ease. Connect to the people in your lives who you trust or look up to; they will be able to reflect your beauty back to you in a way that you will best be able to receive it.
The last tip I will share is to take care of yourself. When your body, mind, and spirit are functioning at their peak, you will be less susceptible to believing negative thoughts. As I mentioned above, getting professional help is key, but it’s even more important that you do everything you can to support yourself. That means eating food that is good for you, spending time out in nature, being active physically, spending time with loved ones, communing with a higher power, and anything else that makes your heart sing. Look, sometimes we cave to the (gluten-free, dairy-free) brownies or cookies, or we end up down the gossip hole; however, if we do everything we can to tend ourselves, we will do those things less often, and put ourselves in the best space possible to support our goals. When you are busy, you may not feel like you have enough time to tend yourself, but as many of you have likely heard before, we always have time- it’s just a matter of how we prioritize that time. So maybe after the kids go to bed, you do a yoga video. Or you take 10 mins of your lunch break at work to walk around the parking lot, or you sit outside on a nice sunny day and eat your lunch. Schedule in time for yourself and treat it like you would a doctor’s appointment; it’s just as, if not more, important as an annual physical or symptom check. Plan, plan, plan. Plan your meals, plan your exercise, and plan fun activities. Yes, leave a little time for spontaneity, or just vegging on the couch to watch TV every now and then…but schedule in the things that will help you succeed. Establish good, energizing habits.
I hope these tips have been helpful to you. I still have to challenge my ego daily, multiple times a day. I still work in an environment for a good portion of my day that does not energetically support me, and I have to spend more energy protecting myself from the negativity that surrounds me there. I am still actively doing the work. Each of us will go through these seasons of trial and change, and these tips are what help me to get through, and help my patients and loved ones that I coach to find more possibility in their circumstances and life. I’d love to hear about your challenges, and whether or not you use any of these techniques, or if you have others that would help!!
xo,
Jen
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