Each of us has it- a breaking point. It’s the moment when we realize we cannot handle any more stress, any other challenges, or living life the way we have been. For most of us, if and when we reach it, it has been a long time in the making. Mine has been probably 8-9 years in the making as I look back, starting with the birth of our daughter, which was a joyous occasion, but one that left me sleep deprived and drained for years. I then chose to accept a promotion at my work in 2015 that allowed me to make more money, but also meant working longer hours. It was at that point that I started working 50-60 hour weeks, balancing 3 different jobs. I was the “breadwinner” for the family and took that responsibility on in full. I did not slow down much for the birth of our son, nor when other obstacles and stressors happened over the years that followed. So I’m not sitting here wondering why I’m at this point; if anything, I should be in awe that I was able to last as long as I have.
Along the way I have let my social media accounts fall to the wayside, as well as my newsletters. I’ve focused on keeping my head above water and not drowning, which has involved lots of acupuncture and massage for starters. My body has tried to stop me along the way. In June 2020, my back completely went out to the point where I could barely walk and literally had to eat food while lying on my stomach on the bed and my husband would bring in the meal on a tray and I winced as I tried to get most of the food in my mouth. Did I fully stop or cut down? No, I got acupuncture, MRIs, doctor visits, physical therapy, massage, and plowed on through. I laid in bed and teleworked, and kept going. My family needed me. So this June, when my mostly cured back pain decided to rear its head and transition into terrible SI joint pain that left me hobbling and often calling out of work, had I let that fully stop me? Nope, gotta move and get into the new house and keep working to pay the bills.
What has become clear to me this month however, is that this cannot continue. I don’t want to be the mom that can barely walk and can’t really exercise much even though I’m only 43. I don’t want to be so mentally fried that I can’t remember certain words, or that I don’t have time to dedicate to the things I care about. I don’t want to be remembered by my kids as having physical problems or as the person who yelled at them when they were trying to tell me something but I had to focus on telework. This way of being is not working. I feel like I’ve aged 5 years in the last 2 years alone. My family needs me, but they need a better version of me than I’ve been lately.
I know, perhaps you’re saying, but Jen, you teach others how to be healthy and create balance in their lives…how could you do this to yourself? Well, the short answer is, I’m human. I’ve been through more stress in the last couple years (even without COVID) than I’ve ever been in in my life, and I succumbed to poor habits- pushing through, ignoring the pain, eating sometimes when I was stressed, and trying to do it all myself. This journey of life is one in which we sometimes end up back in the valleys we thought we’d come out of long ago. We fall back into the same traps, the same coping mechanisms, because sometimes we lack the energy to get ourselves out of them. In my case, I had pushed myself so far that I had so little energy that I couldn’t fathom even cooking or doing other things that required energy to complete. It was easier to eat takeout or to just scroll on Instagram mindlessly. The problem is, even when you’re getting help through acupuncture and massage and whatever other self-care, it’s usually a small step up from that valley when every day you take 10 steps deeper into it. So we end up at the bottom. Exhausted, dazed, and a little helpless, we have to keep that little light of hope alive in our hearts. We remember the sunshine that is at the top of the mountain and the perspective that anything is possible.
Once we’ve broken, and we are at the bottom of that valley, in the dark, we must remember that valleys are also fertile places full of potential. Sometimes we must hit the bottom to truly change our ways, find our purpose, or step into our power. Yet we must remember our own fragility. A cracked vessel must be mended and resealed before it can be filled up again. So recently I took some drastic measures to create more balance in my life, and starting September 1st, I look forward to being able to finally take a little time off for rest, and then get back to the things I truly care about. I’m not going to turn this article into a “how to” because I’m even still figuring things out for myself. I’m learning to get rid of the last remnants of people pleasing to my own detriment, to set and keep boundary after boundary, and to leap even when I’m scared and not sure if there is a safety net. Just know that if you are struggling too, I can sympathize with you. I hope in the yes-the-pandemic-is-still-going-on-and-the-world-feels-like-it-is-upside-down times we are living in that you can find some peace. I hope that we can all allow our nervous systems to heal and come down from absolute high alert. I hope we are all able to rest and not have to push to our maxes just to survive. We all deserve to thrive, and sometimes it takes those drastic measures- moving across the country or state, quitting a job, leaving a romantic partner who isn’t right for you, confronting your own inner demons- to allow you to do so. I see you. Hang in there. We have to focus on that speck of light that we still see, even though we are currently in the darkness. Our time in the light will come again.
xo,
Jen
Recent Comments