It’s been a few months since I wrote a blog post, and even longer since I have posted a recipe on my site (though I’ve managed to post some on social media). A break from my site isn’t an uncommon occurrence for me, but I wanted to write and “chat” a little with you to tell you what I’ve been up to, and as a follow up to my last blog post as well.
First, I’ll start by saying the last 3 years have been the hardest of my life, the pandemic aside (that just exacerbated things). I won’t get into details, but I will say that for the past year, I really started looking at what was essential and important to me. Somewhere along the way, my life had gotten really complicated, balancing tons of work, too many bills, too many businesses…just too much. So last year, I started pruning to make way for what I wanted more of in my life. I let go of my wellness center, we sold our house and moved into an apartment while we searched for our new house, found and moved into our new home in a different town, we paid off almost all of our debt, and I moved my acupuncture practice in one location and opened a second location in a new area. With the financial freedom of lower bills and some leftover money from the house sale and tax refunds, I was finally able to leave the full time job I was working in compliance to be able to dedicate more time to my acupuncture practice and business.
Things were and have been falling into place, but here’s the tricky thing they don’t really tell you about burnout. After working 60+ hour weeks for 6.5 years or so, my idea of taking a month or two off and just relaxing, then being able to jump in and start creating content and marketing and so forth was straight up naive. Instead, it has been 5 months and I only now am starting to feel like I could possibly have enough energy to dedicate to my health and my businesses in ways that will create lasting change. It’s one thing to bolster enough energy to write one blog post or to go to the gym and eat healthy for a week. It’s another to show up consistently. I would get bursts of energy and then burn out quickly because I had not adequately rested. So instead, I’ve been learning to accept that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now- nowhere else.
Isn’t it funny how we spend so much time thinking about what we should have done, and not acknowledging all the work (including rest and self-care) that we have done? Over the past 7-8 months I have been writing monthly articles for a local magazine, I started a practice in a brand new location that is doing well, I’ve been treating more patients consistently between my two locations than I had in a while and I’m finally, after a dozen years of dreaming, practicing acupuncture full-time. I’m living in a neighborhood I’ve wanted to be in for years now, and we live close to dear friends that we rarely got to see before who live in our same development. We have financial stability, a nice house, my dream car, and my family is happy and healthy. I even just got back from an all-expenses paid trip to Disney World with my whole family (all 26 of us). Despite these amazing things, my brain goes over the things I could have done better, the words said or actions by others that hurt me, the few pounds I’ve gained due to stress, how I gave up on this or that and didn’t follow through. I think about how I don’t know how to make Instagram reels and how I find it overwhelming and what if I can’t make them and gain traction? My brain spins out of control, and that’s what the ego wants.
See, when our egos are used to constantly having to solve problems, be under a lot of stress, worry about this, that and the other (and there’s so much to worry about nowadays and for the last few years), when things are good, it has no idea what to do with itself. The ego begins to create problems if there aren’t any active ones in front of it to solve. It designs new “what if” questions to throw into your head if you’re no longer stressing out about the pandemic, whoever is President, your kids, your job or whatever else normally freaks you out. The ego fights to take control of your mind, because it doesn’t like taking a back seat. When the ego gets too much control, it turns into anxiety, depression, and other mental challenges. You become the victim, the “other” becomes the enemy, and divisiveness and fear is the norm.
I know you know that is no way to live. Yet so many of us have been doing that during this pandemic and changing political and social climates in the US. At a time when things feel so different and scary, it takes an even bigger leap of faith to trust in your ability to rise above the fear, to trust in a higher power or greater good that will prevail that starts with you. That is what I have been shifting to focus on- my ability to trust in my connection to God, that my path is unfolding and I am not less than or “falling behind.” I am not “wasting time” and resting is just as important as active doing. I am not a failure because I don’t post on social media every day, or because I don’t have x number of patients or haven’t landed a sponsorship. I may not know why I went through some of the things I went through, but I can still have compassion for myself, and trust that all will be revealed in time. I remind myself of the people I’ve met who said my magazine article was exactly what they needed to hear, or of the person sharing sympathetic words reminding me that I’m not alone when I post a vulnerable story on social media. I am here to help and partner with those individuals, not everyone. If someone didn’t like me or was not served by my words or actions, I let them go and hope they find the right person with whose presence they resonate.
It’s hard though. Throughout my life, the themes of hurt, pain, betrayal, and rejection have been ever present. I wish it were easy for me to brush things off now that I’m in my 40s, but it’s no easier than it was when I was 11. The deep wound gets reopened, and years after the insult or injury, after intellectually letting it go many times, the energetic resonance or pain is still there. My ego knows how to push my buttons and keep at least one claw still dug into my heart. So I shut myself down for a long time. I shut down my beautiful, radiant heart space, from which I have enough love to envelope the entire world. I shifted to survival mode. I went through the motions of each day, I stopped sharing my power, and I kept my words and actions basic when I was at work. At home, I mostly rested, binge-watching Disney and Netflix series with the kids (shout out to The Owl House, Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts, and She-Ra and the Princesses of Power to name a few). But the thing is, inaction or status quo behavior only creates stagnation and imbalance. Yes, I needed time to rest, but resting while partly spiritually disconnecting myself is no true rest. It is biding time without actually recharging.
I’ve known for a while that something needed to shift. I wish I could say I’d been waiting patiently, but I haven’t. I spent a good chunk of the last few months fluctuating between self-forgiveness and self-abuse. It was easier to eat sugary treats than deal with the pain. It was easier to throw blame on other people and to play the victim. It was easier to just stay in bed, or ignore any work I could be doing on my businesses in favor of lounging around and not accomplishing anything. While I believe everything that has gone on in that time of inaction was necessary in some way that will serve in the future, as the energy of the spring rises, it is also clear that with yang energy comes action and movement, and I must leave the space of potential and inaction to move with the natural energy of the season.
It is my typical way to barge into the spring head first, ready to pounce and work on all of the projects I’ve dreamt up over the winter. But this winter, I didn’t come up with anything, and while I have plenty of existing ideas and projects to work on, I know I have to work smarter as I continue to recover. So I’ve been taking my time. I’m starting with my health first, taking many steps each day to get myself in the best space I can, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Each day I’m repeating to myself that I’m exactly where I need to be, and that it’s okay if I mess up- that I just have to keep making better choices moving forward. I don’t like going slow, taking baby steps, or feeling limited in any way. That is the season I am in, however, and I cannot deny that. So small, conscious steps are about the best I can do right now. As Lao Tzu said, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and I’m definitely barely walking right now on a journey I spent too much of running. But I’m still walking, and cheering on others as we all move forward on our own journeys.
All each of us can do is “the next right thing” as Anna from Frozen II says- one foot in front of the other, moving forward when things are tough or seem like they might break us. Even when we look at the landscape ahead and see other fires or dangers that are coming- hard choices, aging parents, large financial expenses, or changes- we still must muster the strength to go on. And here’s one of the lessons I have to keep teaching myself, and I will pass on to you- we don’t have to use our own internal strength to keep going. That’s what I keep doing wrong. I tell myself that I am alone and need to do it myself- a twisted version of the lesson my thesis advisor taught me over 20 years ago that I took too much to heart, “if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.” But you don’t have to do it yourself, and you shouldn’t. This is the exact time that you should lean on a higher power, breathe in energy from the Universe that is plentiful, ask the angels or spirit guides for help, or even ask your friends and family for support. We don’t have to do things alone, and we need to stop thinking it shows weakness if we do ask for help. Not to quote another Disney movie, but like many, I’ve been thinking about the “Surface Pressure” song that Lin Manuel-Miranda wrote for the Luisa character. If you haven’t seen Encanto or heard the song, it’s basically all about the pressure that the character feels as a woman who is blessed with super-human strength to have to handle everything that is asked of her, and she feels like she is about to break. So many of us feel that burden of carrying everything ourselves and keeping up the appearances that everything is okay, yet inside we are barely holding it together. When the load is finally let go, like I did back in the summer, it’s not as simple as kicking back and having a pina colada as the movie would suggest. Carrying so much weight for so long leaves its mark, and it’s not easy to break lifelong patterns.
I don’t have all the answers. I’m currently figuring it out. This post isn’t meant to give you tons of answers either, but I hope that something in it resonates for you, and you can then look at where you may be carrying too much, doing too much, or otherwise not living your life in alignment, and then see if there’s something you can do to live life with more ease. You may not have to make dramatic changes like I did, or maybe you do. The goal is to get to the place where you feel connected to your purpose, your passions, and you feel grateful to have this time on this planet. Pursue the things that help you feel that way, and get support however you need to. Get acupuncture, mental health therapy, or other professional support. Connect with friends and family often and make sure some of that connection is in person (safely, as applicable). Do things you love purely for the sake of your enjoyment. Spend time in nature and breathe in the fresh air. Reconnect to living vibrantly. Just keep taking those baby steps towards your highest potential, and you’ll get there eventually, in your own time. Let go of the expectations and self-judgment compared to what others are doing and how quickly they seem to be accomplishing things. You are on your own journey- a beautiful, unique one that will take whatever time it takes, whatever divergences from the path, and whatever breaks along the way. You’ll reach the amazing destination that awaits you because you’ll keep going. I believe in all of us.
We can do it,
Jen
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